Well,
now that I have got your attention to read my blog, I must confess it is not
the BDSM you were excited and curious to read about – actually, I misspelt the acronym
and I meant BSDM!! I presume you do not know the difference between the two
words – but let me assure you that it is not a new variant of BDSM in fashion.
The BSDM I am referring to is Back Seat Driving Manners!!
My
trials and tribulations with BSDM began about two and half decades back, when I
had purchased my first car – a second hand Fiat. I had the privilege of acutely
learning about BSDM from none other than my beloved mother-in-law. She would be
in the back seat and with her 360 degree view, would be giving a running
commentary and cautioning me about everything moving around us – whether a
stray canine or a large city bus. As such, in those early days, I needed to
impress my super-critical father-in-law with my driving skills - but my mil’s
non-stop BSDM escalated the risk multifold, of driving all of us into a drain. I
survived those initial years well – but what is astonishing and commendable of
my mil is after all these years of blemish- free, scratch- free driving and
taking care of her daughter rather well, her BSDM continues to be as strong and
strident, as it was 25 years back.
These
early year experiences made me aware of my BSDM. I guess I am no saint either. We,
as a family, love going out on long drives. The norm was that my wife drove the
morning half, while the kids sat behind listening to music and playing Twenty
Questions. The afternoon half was my responsibility, where my better half took
a nap in the back seat with my younger daughter and the older one kept me
awake. Looking back, I realize my etiquettes
of BSDM is not something that I can crow about. It invariably happened that due
to my constant, unsolicited advice, there would be that fatal moment, when my
wife would pull over to the side, turn off the ignition and say that she would
not drive any more. I would sheepishly take the wheels promising never to do
this again – but the next morning, I would be at my BSDM best, telling her she
is on the wrong gear or going too slow on the fast lane. Very soon, thereafter,
she would be pulling over once again and the vacation mood would get sour for a
few hours. I guess I can’t really blame my mil for being so perseverant for so
many years, considering that my BSDM habit has not changed, though my wife too has
driven across safely across many continents.
But
BSDM has a different connotation when it comes to our daughters. The elder one
got her license a couple of years back and has been driving by herself in the
city she was studying. Yet when she was home, and driving my car, I always had
a reason to practice my BSDM with her. The reasons (excuses) were many – she
has not practiced lane driving or how chaotic Mumbai traffic is or driving an
automatic SUV is different from a Nano. I guess she was happy enough to get a
chance to drive my car. Having passed her teenage years successfully, she
had learnt the skill of appearing to listen to her dad while actually not
listening at all. Therefore, I guess my constant banter did not bother her
(or so it seemed).
Recently,
we set out on one of our long drives to Ratnagiri on the west coast. After
about 3 hours into the drive, the inevitable and predictable happened – my wife
stormed out of the driving seat, flushed with anger with my BSDM, went and occupied the back
seat prematurely. I could see that my daughter was itching to get her hands on
the wheels, so I handed over the keys to her. As a very caring and protective
father, I advised her on navigating every curve of the perilous (in my mind) mountain
range. Sometime later we stopped for a tea break. My wife had maintained a
stony silence for the last 2 hours, so I thought it would be good idea if I sat
behind and the mother-daughter duo sat in front.
It
had been a long week at work. Also, we had left real early to beat the long
weekend traffic leaving Mumbai. Before I knew, my eyes felt heavy and I could
feel that I was drifting into a slumber. All I recall is that my eyes opening sporadically
and intermittently with green trees whishing by or overtaking a long
petrochemical laden tanker. It was only a couple of hours later, feeling hungry
and properly rested that I woke up fully refreshed. And then it struck me like
a bolt from the blue – that my daughter had driven by herself without me
advising her constantly – she did not really need me anymore.
She was secure,
confident and was able to go through the journey of life herself. It was indeed
time to let her go on her own, knowing that she will be able to take care of
herself and those around her well. I decided to let go of my BSDM habit.
I realized that my life is finite and I can take care of those whom I love for some time, but not their entire lifetimes. If I have helped them fly, I believe I have fulfilled a purpose of my life.
On our return journey, as was the norm, my wife took the wheels in the morning while I sat by her side. I was at peace with my new enlightenment and for the first time in 25 years, we did not have an unplanned interruption in the drive. I enjoyed the greenery, the meandering river streams and listened to my music. My daughter took over during the afternoon and she drove a couple of hundred miles without any guidance at all.
She was secure,
confident and was able to go through the journey of life herself. It was indeed
time to let her go on her own, knowing that she will be able to take care of
herself and those around her well. I decided to let go of my BSDM habit.I realized that my life is finite and I can take care of those whom I love for some time, but not their entire lifetimes. If I have helped them fly, I believe I have fulfilled a purpose of my life.
On our return journey, as was the norm, my wife took the wheels in the morning while I sat by her side. I was at peace with my new enlightenment and for the first time in 25 years, we did not have an unplanned interruption in the drive. I enjoyed the greenery, the meandering river streams and listened to my music. My daughter took over during the afternoon and she drove a couple of hundred miles without any guidance at all.
I feel so good about it. I feel proud of myself that I have been able to break my obnoxious BSDM habit and let others enjoy their drive through their lives. Unlike my mil, who is still addicted to it!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
p.s. my younger daughter turned eighteen last
year. Weekend mornings in the last couple of months were fun as I taught her to
change gears and learn to drive. After clearing her driving test with the authorities, she
received her permanent driving license today. She is now licensed to drive. But I really think she needs a little bit of advice about multi lane driving, the
chaotic traffic in Mumbai, an automatic SUV, treacherous mountain ranges….I
guess I should guide her till she is confident. Should not I? A couple of years
more of the BSDM habit would not hurt anyone. Would it??
