Confessions of my BDSM fetish

Well, now that I have got your attention to read my blog, I must confess it is not the BDSM you were excited and curious to read about – actually, I misspelt the acronym and I meant BSDM!! I presume you do not know the difference between the two words – but let me assure you that it is not a new variant of BDSM in fashion. The BSDM I am referring to is Back Seat Driving Manners!!

My trials and tribulations with BSDM began about two and half decades back, when I had purchased my first car – a second hand Fiat. I had the privilege of acutely learning about BSDM from none other than my beloved mother-in-law. She would be in the back seat and with her 360 degree view, would be giving a running commentary and cautioning me about everything moving around us – whether a stray canine or a large city bus. As such, in those early days, I needed to impress my super-critical father-in-law with my driving skills - but my mil’s non-stop BSDM escalated the risk multifold, of driving all of us into a drain. I survived those initial years well – but what is astonishing and commendable of my mil is after all these years of blemish- free, scratch- free driving and taking care of her daughter rather well, her BSDM continues to be as strong and strident, as it was 25 years back.

These early year experiences made me aware of my BSDM. I guess I am no saint either. We, as a family, love going out on long drives. The norm was that my wife drove the morning half, while the kids sat behind listening to music and playing Twenty Questions. The afternoon half was my responsibility, where my better half took a nap in the back seat with my younger daughter and the older one kept me awake.  Looking back, I realize my etiquettes of BSDM is not something that I can crow about. It invariably happened that due to my constant, unsolicited advice, there would be that fatal moment, when my wife would pull over to the side, turn off the ignition and say that she would not drive any more. I would sheepishly take the wheels promising never to do this again – but the next morning, I would be at my BSDM best, telling her she is on the wrong gear or going too slow on the fast lane. Very soon, thereafter, she would be pulling over once again and the vacation mood would get sour for a few hours. I guess I can’t really blame my mil for being so perseverant for so many years, considering that my BSDM habit has not changed, though my wife too has driven across safely across many continents.

But BSDM has a different connotation when it comes to our daughters. The elder one got her license a couple of years back and has been driving by herself in the city she was studying. Yet when she was home, and driving my car, I always had a reason to practice my BSDM with her. The reasons (excuses) were many – she has not practiced lane driving or how chaotic Mumbai traffic is or driving an automatic SUV is different from a Nano. I guess she was happy enough to get a chance to drive my car. Having passed her teenage years successfully, she had learnt the skill of appearing to listen to her dad while actually not listening at all. Therefore, I guess my constant banter did not bother her (or so it seemed).

Recently, we set out on one of our long drives to Ratnagiri on the west coast. After about 3 hours into the drive, the inevitable and predictable happened – my wife stormed out of the driving seat, flushed with anger with my BSDM, went and occupied the back seat prematurely. I could see that my daughter was itching to get her hands on the wheels, so I handed over the keys to her. As a very caring and protective father, I advised her on navigating every curve of the perilous (in my mind) mountain range. Sometime later we stopped for a tea break. My wife had maintained a stony silence for the last 2 hours, so I thought it would be good idea if I sat behind and the mother-daughter duo sat in front.

It had been a long week at work. Also, we had left real early to beat the long weekend traffic leaving Mumbai. Before I knew, my eyes felt heavy and I could feel that I was drifting into a slumber. All I recall is that my eyes opening sporadically and intermittently with green trees whishing by or overtaking a long petrochemical laden tanker. It was only a couple of hours later, feeling hungry and properly rested that I woke up fully refreshed. And then it struck me like a bolt from the blue – that my daughter had driven by herself without me advising her constantly – she did not really need me anymore.

She was secure, confident and was able to go through the journey of life herself. It was indeed time to let her go on her own, knowing that she will be able to take care of herself and those around her well. I decided to let go of my BSDM habit.



I realized that my life is finite and I can take care of those whom I love for some time, but not their entire lifetimes. If I have helped them fly, I believe I have fulfilled a purpose of my life.

On our return journey, as was the norm, my wife took the wheels in the morning while I sat by her side. I was at peace with my new enlightenment and for the first time in 25 years, we did not have an unplanned interruption in the drive. I enjoyed the greenery, the meandering river streams and listened to my music. My daughter took over during the afternoon and she drove a couple of hundred miles without any guidance at all.

I feel so good about it. I feel proud of myself that I have been able to break my obnoxious BSDM habit and let others enjoy their drive through their lives. Unlike my mil, who is still addicted to it!!

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p.s. my younger daughter turned eighteen last year. Weekend mornings in the last couple of months were fun as I taught her to change gears and learn to drive. After clearing her driving test with the authorities, she received her permanent driving license today. She is now licensed to drive. But I really think she needs a little  bit of advice about multi lane driving, the chaotic traffic in Mumbai, an automatic SUV, treacherous mountain ranges….I guess I should guide her till she is confident. Should not I? A couple of years more of the BSDM habit would not hurt anyone. Would it??